It has officially been 1 year since Chris and I started trying to have a baby. Obviously, we have no baby yet.
The past year has been hard. After the first month and a negative pregnancy test, I cried a lot. I was hoping we would be one of those couples who would quickly get pregnant. But I knew it was too good to be true. Then the second month came around and another negative. I cried more. Than the third month... you get the picture. I have cried a lot.
The last few months I have been able to distract myself and focus on other things. I haven't cried about this since about June. I am pretty proud of myself for being able to hold it together.
But I don't think I have just been distracted. I have learned a lot in the last year.
"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;
Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord..."
I have "Not thy will only Lord, but thy timing also" written next to it. It isn't easy accepting Heavenly Father's plan for Chris and I when it isn't what I want. It has been a lot of prayer, fasting and scripture study to finally get to the point I am at today.
I know that one day I will get to be a Mother. I will get to hold a little baby in my arms and love him or her unconditionally from the beginning. I am still not sure when or how. While I would love to know the answers to those questions, I don't need to know them to be happy. I know that Heavenly Father loves Chris and I and is watching out for us.
In the mean time, I am not just someone waiting to be a Mother. There are so many roles that I have and I can work to be the best at what I am doing. I am a wife and a teacher. And I am not perfect in either of those areas.
President Uchtdorf said
"I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.
There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
Right now I can say that I am enduring well.
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4 comments:
I gave a talk on President Uchtdorfs talk on patience just a few weeks ago, and I have to say the quote about enduring well is by far one of my favorites. Just so you know it took Brian and I over a year to finally get pregnant with Maddie. And one thing I learned from it is that Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves. While we felt that it was time for us to start trying, I am REALLY glad it didn't happen until it did. I know its hard and frustrating, but the time will come, and when you look back, you will realize why maybe it took so long to happen and it happened when it did. Good luck, and just keep praying and fasting. It will happen.
You're also a perfect role model for your younger sisters. I didn't know it made you so sad. I'm sure your child is poking Heavenly Father just as much as you are :) I'm glad you have other things to focus on. But it'll happen!
I love that quote. I have it hanging on my wall to always remind me to be patient. It will come, and when it does that child will have the best aunt. :)oh... and mother. :)
I have been exactly where you have been as well. Trying to bring a baby into the world has been hard for us too.
Loved your post.
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