The Office Part IV

                                                                                                                                                                         

Dwight Schrute:	Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott:	Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office has made me depressed.
Dwight Schrute:	Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling, 'bummed down?'
Michael Scott:	Dwight, you ignorant slut!

                                                                                                                                                                         

Kelly:	I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then, after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Creed:	That wasn't a tapeworm.

                                                                                                                                                                         

Michael Scott:	We will still get to use the little cups though, right?
Gabe:	Little cups? Like, uh, paper or plastic or?
Michael Scott:	I don't know what they're made of.
Dwight Schrute:	They're two ounce paper cups dipped in plastic he goes through twenty a day.
Gabe:	Ok. Well. I bet you could fit twenty little cups of water in your aluminum bottle.
Michael Scott:	You know what can't fit in a bottle are the twenty little trips I take to the cooler. And the twenty little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothy and the twenty conversations that I have with Stanley.
Stanley:	That's okay.

                                                                                                                                                                         

Michael Scott:	Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight Schrute:	I have.
Michael Scott:	Let's hear it.
Dwight Schrute:	[unfolds piece of paper and reads from it] I state my regret.
Jim Halpert:	You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight Schrute:	I could not because I do not feel it.

                                                                                                                                                                         

Andy:

Did I do this for me? No. I did this, for the little guy. For Joe six pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up, with oil. Wonders how am I gonna pay my kids' orphanage bills. That guy, shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

                                                                                                                                                                         

Michael Scott:

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

                                                                                                                                                                         

Oscar:	Great. They stole my laptop.
Kevin:	Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar:	How does that even compare!
Kevin:	Oscar I'm now going to be prone to surges